an odd number of bread slices? really?

just makes me feel awkward to get to the last few slices of bread (inside the pretentious inner bag, which is contained inside the less pretentious, and far easier to open and close, outer bag) and have it be an odd number.  I think back: "Did i eat a sandwich and forget to close off the other side? Did i snack on one single peice of bread without then being tempted by another peice, some cold-cuts and some mayo? Did i forget to fill the other slot in the toaster? Did the one sock monster get hungry for bread?!?!?!? If this is the case then i am pulling all of my money out of hanes and putting it in brownberry."

Then i thought "Wow, i have been thinking for a long time and its made me even more hungry, maybe i will make a triple layer sandwich and..... OH DEAR GOD" Its that damn triple decker sandwich that is throwing me off! (Moist-maker to all you friends fans out there).  Mystery solved.

I guess thinking pays off.  did any of this actually happen? that remains to be seen.  Its really not the validity of the story that you should be worried about, its the fact that you are still reading that you should seriously worry about.  Actually, if i was 100% truthful all the time i would have to revert to my childhood where i was more curious than cautious and the stories end in sentences like "and thats why i wont be using the wedding candle my parents used in their wedding, in my wedding" or "we learned very quickly not to stand behind the rocket-cars when igniting them, immediatly following that lesson was the next lesson; make sure that if you build a rocket car you make sure it stays on a straight course.... you know, you really have no buisness building a little rocket car out of balsa wood and pine-wood-derby tires because it isnt safe for anyone, not even if you are inside." or finally "so we never went in mr. yacklitch's yard again, not even my dad, not even for the best ball we owned. thats his now, and hes shown us reason not to believe otherwise."

Yea, childhood was phenominal for stories.  I always wonder if there can possibly be a better time in your life than when you arent really responsible for yourself because you just dont know.  When your an adult, you know, your just doing things against what you know, and that makes you an asshole.  Kids arent assholes, they cant be! that sucks. i can deffinatly be an asshole for things my mom talks about today with a smile on her face that i did when i was a kid.  Like throwing my lego structures down the stairs.  or coloring on the table.... or wetting the bed.

i dont know if my mom smiles about those things.... but they still are construed differently depending on how mature i am expected to be, and that is a drag-house.

well, and update on my life as i know it.  This is the video for our senior design project and its pretty cool, and its good evidence that i have learned something here in college since i couldnt do this before i got here, enjoy your week!

Ill give you a thermodynamics problem.

Given: Marvin Gaye Exists and Wrote Music

Assumptions: People can hear

Find: Percentage of living people on the earth right now that would never have even been close to being concieved without Marvin Gaye existing.

Thermal System Schematic:

Analysis:
(Change in Sexual Healing post Marvin Gaye+1(*Accounting for the birth of marvin gaye himself))*(likelyhood your dad could have impressed your mom without marvin gaye) /(Pre-existing Rate of baby-making)

=12% of worlds population that can hear, 4% of people cannot hear, caused by marvin gaye directly.

Conclusion:
Marvin gaye is solely responsible for about 1/6 of the earth. Thankyou marvin gaye, we now have to live in places like milwaukee where its cold 8 months out of the year because theres no more room anywhere else.

Secondary Conclusion:
Without marvin gaye, you probably would have a less fulfilling sexual experiance, if one at all. Not listening to Marvin Gaye is a recognized and effective form of birth control.

I mean, its that simple. Marvin Gaye. Singer, Song Writer, Relationship/Fertility Specialist.

Have a nice day. Please consider the consequences of making a marvin gaye pandora station.

ye ole smelly sock

well, school is of to a start, and as a 5th year student (who feels the need to tell everyone that he really isnt a 5th year student because he did an internship instead for a year, so stop looking at him like he is a slacker/drank too much in college/likes spending 30 g's a year to get clobbered with a balkan hammer) ive been here a long time. Technically i should be standing outside mccormick with my hand out and a sign around my neck that says "I am so much smarter than you, you should probably just give me all your money." but im not, because not even my mom thinks i am that smart, although she does think alot of nice things about me, so if your doubting me talk to her. 

Jim's "How too" of the day: How too get cut from the sophomore baseball team without totally sucking in the tryout. (sadly, based on a true story). Thats simple,  overthrow the kid trying out for catcher and drill the head coach in the head (heh, head coach, head, i didnt even mean to do that.... faulkner would have).  Problem solved, and extra credit for taking someone down with you. well done. you've just created yet another awkward relationship.

Now, there are easier ways to create awkward relationships.  heres one way. the next time you are introduced to someone (it has to be someone like your friends new girlfriend, so that she will be around you alot but not because she wants to be around you, just because your friend is there and now she has to hang out with you too), so next time you are introduced to your friend's new girlfriend;

your friend: "hey, betsey, this is my buddy jim"

jim: "hi betsey, i actually go by "the incinerator" because i lit bobby's last 2 girlfriends on fire, which bodes well for you because now he has to date you, but at the same time bodes poorly for you because on average, i will probably light you on fire within the next 2 months."

betsey (trying to be supportive of bobby's friend as to not piss off bobby, gosh betsey seems nice, i really would feel bad if i lit her on fire): "Oh, hah, fun! i love fire! gosh bobby you have great friends"

bobby (pissed): perverbial/quintessential "dude"

the incinerator: "Hah, oh, and when bobby tries to tell you later that i was just being weird and i have never lit any of his other girlfriends on fire, hes lieing.  hes just saying that because hes lonely because the last 2 girlfriends he has had have broken up with him because they got lit on fire.  but its a good thing you like fire tho, maybe we should date instead."

pause. silence.

the incinerator (to betsey, reaching in his jacket pocket): "you smoke?"

silence. (betsey looks horrified)

the incinerator: "ok guess not.  gotta go, nice meeting ya!"

Another pause, more silence. the incinerator leaves, lighting a cigarette and flicking still lit match into a nearby bush, lighting it on fire.

annnnnnd the next time you guys hang out should be awesome. and awkward.  you dont want to go out with jim, jims crazy.

have a nice week. smokey the bear says "dont play with fire"

I CRRRUSH you with HAMMER!!! (say it like arnold)

Before crushing things with hammers, a list of a few sure things in a time where "things," in thier literal sense, are generally indecisive about even menial things like "cream or sugar?"

1. if you are ever in a singing contest with a aretha franklin, you are going to lose.

2. you will not need physics 1 for anything, ever, if you dont plan on teaching it to more unsuspecting yet deserving non-science majors


3. the cord (extension, cable, phone, RCA, USB) will be one foot shorter than you need for your current situation. your headphones will be an equal amount too long.

4. your alarm clock goes under-appreciated for its uncanny ability to do exactally what you asked it to do 6 to 8 hours earlier, and its really confused with what you really want in your relationship

5. the person who "didnt get that email" actually did, but was unable to come up with anything better than "oh, i didnt get the email"

6. questions like "whats your favorite song?" require more time than allotted to answer

7. awkward silence makes you uncomfortable, even if you instigated it

8. look away/blink the second the clock turns to 11:11, noone has that kind of patience.

9. bite the orange tic-tac prematurely

10. 2 for 1 subway day is cheaper than 1 for 1 subway day

And now, a reflection of sorts.

Ok, barring the whole matrix philosophy that "we live in our own dream worlds, only to be freed from them into the real world, which is just another dream world in 'Matrix 4: We managed to make the same movie a 4th time, isnt it great? you went and saw it like an idiot!'", martin grammatica is alive and functioning right now. functioning poorly at best, but functioning. So, since we both clearly have nothing better to do than to write/read this blog, lets jump into what could be mr(s). grammatica's current life status. If he lives in the midwest then its 1:11am and he is most likely awake, having hurt himself celebrating actually falling asleep. holy crap dude, you gotta get less excited about stuff. when babies are born they can do like 4 things; breathe, cry alot, poop, and sleep.... so congratulations, babies dont even know they are attached to and in control of their own arms, but they are able to fall asleep.... so your accomplishments, although sincerely impressive, dont even outbid a 3 day old child for "stuff that impresses me"
youre going to have to come up with something more impressive than crying, breathing, or pooping yourself to really begin to turn heads, i know its a stretch, but give it the old kicker effort and spend 90% of practice dropping balls 3 feet and not even kicking them.

jim, why the hatred for martin gramm.... Ill tell you why. Go make an egg, right now, fry it up. We both agree that your ability to fry an egg warrants no real prize or the perverbial "cookie" so many smartasses lovingly offer you after you tell them something good you did, correct? Ok, so successfully fry an egg, put it on the plate, and hurt yourself celebrating. Hurt yourself so bad, that you will never be able to fry an egg at that level again. And another thing, if your going to ask a question with an obvious answer, then you probably should have kept your mouth shut to avoid sounding dumb.

Do NOT push the red button.

So, i was searching to find out if the movie AI (Artificial Inteligence) was reguarded as the worst movie of all time, as i believe it to be. In my combing of all the lists i could find i came across a link to the rasberry awards, which are awards opposite to the oscars aka "worst movie awards."

Artificial Inteligence went unmentioned.... I immediatly disreguard the rasberry awards as a credible information source pertaining to "bad movies"

But, i then came across the Ig Nobel Prize list, which is described as "A parody of the Nobel Prizes, the Ig Nobel Prizes and are given each year in early October — around the time the recipients of the genuine Nobel Prizes are announced — for ten achievements that "first make people laugh, and then make them think." according to the wikipedia listing. So, I read the entire list. Then, because i like you so much, i decided to make an abridged version of my favorite ones so you didnt have to swim through all worthless ones, and i published it as a google document here (which i thought was pretty awesome). So, if you have some free time, read that. Its hilarious. Also, google is awesome.

While we are at talking about sweet lists of humorous yet somewhat disturbing information, i have to include a link to the darwin awards, just because if you dont know about them, you should. I warn you, the darwin awards are alot like laughing at this cartoon;

You kind of have to leave out that rather imminent "tragedy" component of the story. just like when you watch an action movie and they are just running through buildings and the missiles are just missing the main charecter and blowing away like half a city. never really got upset about that, did you? also, i am sick and tired of things blowing up when they shouldnt, have you seen transformers? When is the last time you were a 30-foot robot punching a giant brick wall and it exploded??? I mean all the times i have been a huge alien transformer and punched a wall it has just fallen over. Lucky for hollywood, they always seem to punch the spot where the workers accidently cemented in some C4 that they mistaked for a regular brick. How convienent.

The darwin awards have an "honerable mention" catagory for the weak at heart. Since the first requirement of a darwin award is to "be rendered dead or sterile" they created the honerable mention catagory, for the decisively stupid yet inexplicably lucky few that invited death in to their house, played 37 rounds of russian roulette with automatic weapons, practiced swan dives into their unfilled pool, juggled live grenades, and ran around naked at night in philidelphia slapping everyone they met signifing each person as "my little princess" and somehow managed to come away without a scratch. that is a sweet list oppertunity, here are some more:

Beat chad johnson in a foot race, live shark dentist, fell asleep under car, nascar track crossing guard, blah blah blah cooked self in oven

so yea, this all got pretty morbid pretty quickly, i think its time to just call it a day and try again later. But i leave you with this: Eddie Murphy is the only person to be nominated more than once for "worst actor" in the same movie. In fact, for his role(s) in Norbit, he was the only actor nominated for the catagory of worst actor, recieving a nomination for each of the 5 charecters he played throughout the movie. He then went on to be the only actor to win both worst actor and worst actress for the same movie.

Have a great day

Now with links! EXCITEMENT! HILARITY! MADE UP WORDS!

ok, a question;
if you hit a ball out of the park, it travels around the world, and then lands back in the stadium, is that a home run? because yesterday michael phelps and company beat a world record (world. world. world. thats everyone, ever, in the world, for serious.) by like 5 seconds. bonkers. 5 seconds in swimming is like an entire dog year, your dog got one year older in the time between gold and silver, which is sad, because you like your dog.

thats it, thats all i want to talk about as far as the olympics go.... ok no i want to talk about the announcers for like a second. do you need a more comfortable chair? because your being kind of a bitch. im just saying. we should have announcers for our announcers, to pick out their tiny faults and liken them to world catastrophy (good point ryan). ALSO, i saw an interview where someone tried to make a point that the chineese are too young to be in the olympics and therefore that justifies the americans not winning, BUT heres the big old truth-hammer: you just got beat by a 12-year-old, what kind of self-respect (or lack thereof) do you have to have in order to say that? my cousin and i used to play this game (dont worry, this is relavant) on long car trips that we were in a car race, but any car that passed us was disqualified.... thats very american of you

the craziest thing about the olympics is that every person who makes it there devotes their life to what they are doing, and in like an average of like 20 seconds, that lifetime of work is judged and forgotten nearly instantly, unless you hit a ball so hard it drills a hole in the outfield wall, which would happen if michael phelps was a baseball player

i love the olympics


since i dont know what to talk about next, i would like to point out how awesome the title of my blog is, i cant believe how clever i am. get it? sigh? because i am bored? man, its a good thing noone else reads this besides me 6 times a day...... moving on


and now for another installment of "childhood; im cooler than you"
aka, storytime

setting: social awkwardness was reaching a high point as i was just beginning to sprout my very first leg hairs (little did that guy know he was in for a life of getting mowed down once a week, but perservere he will), i was just beginning to learn about whatever sexual crap you learned about 3 or 4 years ago because i am the oldest child and my closest thing to a sexual education was mrs. nelson who encouraged going on dates with mittens on as to stunt the clothing removal process (her year long lesson plan went something like this: birth control with a crazy transition into the holocost, thats it. I love 8th grade, and mrs nelson)....

story: im sitting at the computer desk (thats the actual setting i guess) of my last house, trying to read something with small font that is laying flat on the desk in front of the keyboard. i am allergic to lysol so my mom cleans the things she dosnt want me touching with it, which generally means she runs around the house spraying it in the air while skipping and laughing (thats a total lie, entirely, all of it aside from the sitting at the desk reading thing.... this story may be insight as to why i have so much trouble sitting down to read, and also why lieing in stories is normally better done by not then telling everone it was a lie)... BUT, alas, theres lysol on the desk where i am placing my face within 5 inches of in order to read the exceedingly small font. (you wouldnt believe how short a story this is, but i dragged it out back and beat it into a 3 paragrapher) So, i am breathing, because thats how you stay alive, and i whiff the lysol that i lied about, wound up for a giant sneeze, and then with great force, sneezed my face squarely into the desk. Then, very suprised, immediatly reacted to my head-butting of the desk and went straight backwards over the chair on to the ground.

laying on my back, wondering what had taken place and why i was on the ground, i couldnt help but wish someone would have seen that in passing, maybe with no sound so it looked like i just slammed my face into the desk and then went over backwards. This "childhood, im cooler than you" moment goes to show that heaven is most likely going to be the ability to watch people function when they think noone else is watching. its gonna be awesome.

as for the rest of your day, i hope you have one.

-jim

ps. i hope you like the addition of the links in here, and also the site wikihow.com because its awesome

Guess the CG Point!!! Michael Phelps for President!!!!

Today i got in on a game called "guess the CG point" with the engineers on the 5th floor. We looked at this drawing and all bid on a CG (center of gravity, common, get smarter) point. If the electrician that was just wondering around on the floor wins i am quitting and becoming a state fair traveling mac-n-cheese on a stick salesmen

ok, so its been a while, i am sorry. I appologize as if you were actually hurt from me not writing, which i must say, is alittle self centered. by the way i know the correct spelling of that word(s) is "a little" but i dont care. heres my latest update;

i was recently moved down the hall to the end office (office, closet, room to fire people in), i am now the only person who does not have a cubicle, and i can now officially say that they keep the co-op students in the closet at the end of the hall, because thats where i am, in the closet, at the end of the hall. i keep everything well organized next to me on the floor and my butt is numb because i went from a $600 ergonomic desk chair to a glorified stool with armrests. im not complaining tho, i do have a window with a beautiful view.... of the parking lot.

common jim, perk up, you have a great job. common, get your head off that tiny desk, stretch your legs out till they hit the computer, lean back until you hit the back wall, and take a big breath (not too big, theres not alot of air in this closet, you should probably start conserving it soon), cause everything is going to be a.o.k.

Enough of that, tar and feather to the next person to bring negativity in here.

Olympics are going on, i think michael phelps watched his celebrations from the 2004 games and really went to work on them in his mirror for this olympics, because yesterday when he flexed all 36 billion of his muscles at once when they won the 4X100 relay he was actually elected president of the united states, just because who wouldnt feel comfortable with that guy as commander in cheif? that is a kind of forign policy everyone can understand.

OH OH, THE RESULTS ARE IN FOR THE CG CONTEST!!!! I came in second to the person who actually is running the contest, which i called shinanigans to (another jim seconded the call for shinanigans, a third jim was silent as to not fall in line with his namesake, he is being demoted to christa effective immediatly). Second isnt too bad. Right french swim team? Ohhhhh no amount of water will save you from a burn like that..... ZING! MICHAEL PHELPS RULES! FRANCE DRULES! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

....ahem... carry on..

so after my near victory, only to be thwarted by events likening themselves to some russian judge a few years ago (cough boooooo cough), i feel good. Its not every day you get to drop some knowledge on your peers like that, and boy did i ever drop the k-bomb today

this is jibberish. i am going to post it and get back to work, some day someone will accidentally read this and think to themselves "how did he know i voted for michael phelps for president?"

cautiously enjoying my job, just a little bit

look left

look right

slowly slink down into rediculously comportable chair until slouched

check again for people

make sure ipod is turned way down

turn on regina spektor....


its an awkward thing, listening to music like that.

i declare war on this orange

for some reason i am finding it very difficult to peel this orange right now, i wish i knew its intentions in this world, so i could dash them. If it wants to be eaten, i would throw it away, and if its attempting to avoid being eaten, its not doing a good job sitting on a sale rack in the center of metro market... a dumb hiding place no doubt. i expect more from something smart enough to not rhyme with any other word in the american language.

in other news i am currently eating my way around the sandwich i brought eventually to leave just the 4 center bites that have the most meat and the most cheese. They will be enjoyed.

in news comepletly unrelated to food; today my concearns about the amount of time i waste at work organizing things on my desk into pretty piles and lining them up along my cubicle wall to make it look like i am really busy were eased when i walked by someones computer who had arranged their desktop icons into the shape of a bucyrus shovel. We arent talking like "see, those three stars in a row are his belt, and then the remaining 9 stars make up for his face, arms, legs, throwback kilt with a tear in it, spear, shield, pet ox, angered facial expression, and his defined abdomen" we are talking a 2-year-old that has never even seen a digger before would look at it and say "shovel."

i bring up a good point (theres noone else here that can do that, so pardon my self centered-ness) in that star formations are pure BS-sauce. as far as im concearned you could basically connect the dots to make just about anything, but the best they came up with is mythical creatures, not like a treasure map to nowhere or like "sam was here" or anything... we got a belt, belts are straight lines, congratulations.

I vote that if Favre comes back, everyone gets 20 bucks, an ice cream, and a 20 minute sit in the sauna alone so you can be comfortable about the nudity thing. Why? because thats about what i need if your going to toy with my heart like this every year for the next 67 years until your arms and legs are all litterally gone and sold on ebay. Like the black knight in monty python. The sad thing is that even brett favre's torso can get more accomplished than any of us can, combined. i guess thats what happens when you are built with 100% awesome.

goober of the day award (pronounced geu-bhurr) goes to the dude who was flushed on not once, twice, but 6 times while in the stall next to me by the automatic flusher. You litterally have to try and duck out of the way for the thing to flush even once, i cant imagine what he was doing because by the looks of his ankles, he wasnt going anywhere. It was relentless humor for me, i stuck around just to see if he could get the record, throwing my hands in the air with excitement for flushes 4, 5, and especially 6 because he got past 5, which is on to a whole new hand needed to keep count. I high fived the toilet paper and tried to contain my yells, as i didnt want to disturb him or jinx him on his way to glory. goober.

and for the most prestigous award of the day, the Martin Grammatica Award (Martin Grammatica, former NFL placekicker made famous more for the career ending injury suffered during a celebration over 1 point in an inconsequential game that was won by 19 than the fact that he was a professional athlete) of Excellence goes to Peter Francis Geraci. Theres enough worthless in that combination to make dirt look like diamonds.

talk to you later
jim "that was an awful methphor, sweet jesus" stemper

High school is hilarious

i was that kid in the freshman retreat video that was to shy for the camera so they kept it on me for about 6 minutes seeing all the wierd things i would do to avoid the camera, ultimatly embarassing myself far more than if i would have just looked at it and smiled with a wave of confidence.

although i have tons of stories of spilling nachos at lunch, getting my head taped, jumping off the bleachers on to the crash mats, and attempting to murder a nalgene bottle for 20 minutes in the wrestling locker room, my siblings who are currently attending high school, which is just an awkward mess of emotions all bundled up into one seriously lame attempt at dating the prom queen, had some awesome stories for me this weekend.

1. Abby from DSHA. So, apparently their somewhat "enforcer" is a nun or sister or some type of kind lay person who also carries a can of whoop-ass around if needed (no can-opener, she just wills it open), comes on the announcements one day with the following, semi-accurate quotation that i surely embelished on for your entertainment: "everyone, its extreemly important that you all listen very carefully to the following message, if you are in the locker rooms, come out into the gym so you can hear this very important message." and this is pretty abnormal so abby is sitting there basically ready to hear something about planes crashing or the universe ending, and she gets this: "Someone has left a sandwich in the office this morning. it is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white bread, it is cut in half down the middle. if someone is missing their sandwich please come to the office immediatly to claim it." end message.

how awesome is that? had that been at MUHS there would have been a line of like 460 dudes outside the office putting on the best show they could think of to get the sandwich, crying and screaming in a high-pitched voice "my sandwich! my mom made it for me! ohhhhh nooooo *sniffs and snivles* the poor thing out in the world on its own without its paper bag! its inhumane! ohhhhhh sandwich! ohhhhh sandwich.."

"cut down the middle...." ...thats the best part

2. bobby from MUHS. Mr Taylor litterally carries 300 keys that he jingles and subsequently controls the entire school with, as well as a big wooden bat. now, bobby is sitting in the library, a location that is important because in the library people are already really quiet, and mr taylor runs in, bat in hand "EVERYONE SHUT UP! (everyone kinda looks at eachother in the already silent room, thinking it may be a trick) DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE *insert name i cant remember* IS??" some brave, and pretty much suicidal, kid says "i think hes in the AP art room" taylor: "NOPE, ALREADY BURNT THAT PLACE DOWN, ILL KILL HIM" and walks out.

the kid apparently started a fire in the ap art room on accident and just ran out without telling anyone. idiot. mr taylor subsequently pounded his head into his shoe and hung him up on fire for everyone to see.


so those are my 2 stories from the weekend. killer.

have a nice week, and remember, high school wasnt as sweet as we all remember it to be, it was sweeter. especially when "Mr. Smith's Sofa Kingdom" was the best lunch-time soccer name until mr. herman said it over the loud speaker, followed immediatly by a list of the names on that team as well as 3 saturday jugs each. totally worth it.

Life is full of changes. We (everyone besides the engineers and PT'rs and Donny) are about to embark on unbelievable journeys beyond college, where we either commit ourselves to a sweet 40 hours a week, of which 10 more will be spent in commute/getting ready/getting undressed (bet you didnt think of that). We will most likely feel the need at some point and throw down a wedding for awkward greetings and boozing beyond belief (YOU LOVE IT)... then the honeymoon.... then you pretty much run out of ideas and have some kids. One or more of which, if you are a male, will be a girl/girls (if you think about it, that means everyones having a girl... this is why murphy and his laws are worthless and made up by grumpy people.) Once you have this girl, you will be greeted with this hatred for boys her, and more than her, age because, lets face it, you were a horny douschbag once too and it worked on some girls, resulting in "play." Play. Not throwing legos at your brother, not jumping off the swings, not imagining you are a famous singer and having a concert for beanie babies.... Play, with a dude that drove off with your daughter with the following liscence plate:

man, that guys hilarious.... what a d-bag. if that showed up to my house i would pick up a tree and place it on his. Then i would look him in the eyes and say "once, a barber cut my sideburns when i asked him not too, and i punched his face off and i keep it in a jar on my bedstand. I am asking you to stay away from my daughter, capeish?"

john mayer better remember he has to be nice to my daughter as well. Otherwise i will be putting his face in a jar.

Not a sandwich

The following is not a sandwich:
This is something i thought would be apparently obvious to the people of sodexo at marquette university. But since there may be some discrepency, i have also included a picture of a hippo. I have done this for two reasons; first being that this is also not a sandwich. Second being that, upon recieving this "sandwich," i also felt like yelling.



This is the start of my camera-phone and i blogging together. This is a trial run so-to-speak. I will get better at this as time moves on. I am almost positive that the joining of my camera and my blog will be much appreciated and also much easier for those of you expecting my literary work to be a picture book, as that is all i ever read anyways.

Enjoy your day. Never bring an insufficent sandwich in this house again.

Its tough to sock respect to anyone, let alone Aretha Franklin

I am always suprised when i read the lyrics to songs and realize that either:
1. i had it all wrong, woah
2. i have been endorsing a song that i pretty much am against deeply and soulfully
3. holy crap this person is kinda nuts
4. ok it was jibberish, thats what i thought
5. (seldom) sweeeeeeeet

Everyone, well at least me, and in my world thats pretty much everyone, has at one point or another tried to write a song lyric or two, maybe even sing it. the thing i have noticed about song lyrics that do well are the fact that they are filled with a whole ton of passion about one or two things that basically get harped on in a verse refrain format, so in the spirit of the topic, back to the refrain (but this time with that different drum part that you really like)

I am always suprised when i read the lyrics to songs and realize that either:
1. i had it all wrong, woah
2. i have been endorsing a song that i pretty much am against deeply and soulfully
3. holy crap this persons kinda nuts
4. ok it was jibberish, thats what i thought
5. (seldom) sweeeeeeeet

What in gods name did the dude that came home to aretha franklin do to her in order for her to write that song that has helped so many people on their 3rd grade spelling test? ALL she wanted was some respect when this dude came home. I honestly have no idea how you could f that up, although given the chance i probably would with flying colors. I mean seriously! "Aretha! im home. You are a terrible person and i plan on belittling you for a good half hour, after which you will make me dinner and fetch me my slippers, all while humming to me some frank sinatra with that ugly voice of yours"

common dude. get it together.

BUT then again, she did go on to write that song and make millions on it, sooooo i mean, not to promote disrespect, but without it she would probably just be happily married with a normal house and 3 kids, cantoring at mass every 2nd week of the month....

....instrumental break.......

Refrain
Fade out on long last note hold



remember when God went on like a 7 day hit streak with good ideas and created the world?

Bathroom Politics; Hang Eleven and The S-Face

There are few things i can really say i have for sure learned in college, but for sure one thing i could write a doctoral dissertation on is bathroom politics.

First off, to be political and correct, but not PC because thats a computer, i would like to thank Raynor libraries for the play-by-play "s-face" analysis provided by the gigantic mirrors looking you in the face in the handicapped toilet stalls. You all know you have gone in there, seen that the mirror stall was taken, and gone to another floor to see if you could get that glorious spacious seat, where if someone were to awkwardly bust in there they could see you doing a number of things;

1. "streching" with your shirt off or some reason, something about religious beli...your lieing, your boxers arent even off, your not using the toilet, this is a poor attempt at the "convincing ankles" phenomena, you may not use a toilet for a week in light of your misuse

2. practicing that all important "s-face" to get that perfect message accross to, well hopefully, noone but yourself that "this is a serious s i am taking here"

3. expressing a push with the raise of an eyebrow

Thats enough of that, there is much more to get to.

To all you who religously practice the "sit-n-piss" im on to you. So you come in, theres a guy at the uninal, because of this you most likely will stand next to him in shock as 4 seconds ago you litterally wet yourself alittle but now you have never had to take a piss less. Ok, damage control, how far is this guy into his piss? if he looks to be on to the shake you have a good chance he will flush the toilet and your golden, as he will not hear your "not pissing" and you can stand there doing nothing but holding yourself while you "go to the bathroom" throughout the duration of the flush cycle, conviently finished right at the end, throw in the shake, and go piss yourself at the bubbler. If this guy seems to be in for the long haul you have a few options;

1. make a quick comment about how "you hate it when you forget you came to do number 2" and then go to the stall and regret what you said nearly to the point of giving yourself a swirly

2. wait it out, your a quiet urinater, he wouldnt even believe

3. make some kind of noise with your mouth, or attempt to pass gas loudly but without actually needing the stall, as it will take the attention off your failure in front due to a huge success in back

4. hit play on the pre-recorded urination from the week before at the same urinal that you carry around for situations just like this one, seemlessly extended in case you really really needed to take a long recorded piss

5. run out, he never saw your face

6. punch him out cold

In light of these dismal options, you have taken up the sit-n-piss. a brilliantly choreographed masterpiece put on by a few key noises, your ankles, and the amount of time you can sit with your pants off. NOW, its 100% essential that you outlast your opponent already well into his manly stand-n-piss, this includes his hand washing, which you will mostl likely criticize mentally to great detail, because you have been done with what you came to do for a good minute now. If he leaves, no need to waste paper, just hit the flush, wash the hands, your on your way. If someone else enters now the show begins. The periodic heavy breath, small feet shuffle, all leading up to the biggest falsity of them all; taking the toilet paper out of the dispencer, making a wipe noise, and repeating until you feel youve amply cleaned up after doing nothing.

To you, the sit-n-piss, you are a man of few ambitions, and even less stage presence

On to stance. 2 handed raises concearn while no handed (to "hang eleven") has never been more awkward. If you feel the need to switch hands, i will never understand you, you have me fooled.

Onward to old dudes. There is no way in this world you let all that noise out without alittle helper. I mean i have been sitting there minding my own buisness (which is where that term came from) when out of nowhere, after 5 minutes of silence, comes a noise so fierce i am suprised i stay dry. 5 minutes?! what in the hell else were you doing? did you not know you were in the bathroom? did you not make the decision to go based on the fact that it was on its way and you better do something about it? is there a society of men i am not a part of that have it out for me because of my knowledge of this matter, and they feel the need to stump? whatever that was, i commend you, excuse us while we replace the hinges on the stall door.

its bedtime, there is more to come young learners, but i leave you with this

yea, i left the seat down for you, in fact i left it down for me, nothing 3 or 4 sheets of TP and a lap around the seat couldnt fix

enjoy your evening

Wild Side

its not really the amount of homework you have, its the amount of time you can spend looking at it without getting anywhere. If i knew what i were doing, i would be sitting here at 8:30pm and not 1:30am, i would have 6 things crossed out in my assignment notebook instead of 0, and i would have come home and hugged my roommate who was still awake instead of waking my sleeping roommate up and then trying to blame the fact that he was up on him, and that he was being unreasonable. You gotta have money to make money they say, and i think you gotta have smarts to be smart.... smart eh? balls.

i am not going to drone on about how i am feeling and how my day was, but i am going to make it quick; i got my ass kicked by school today and im feeling pretty sheepish.

when it comes down to it, there are challenges constantly throughout the day. Its nonstop. That "bring it on" attitude can really wane off after about 3 seconds once something becomes mundane, monotonus, mainly an m-word having to do with a pain in the ass. But, if you have a goal, for example graduating from college, you can just drag on through the trenches dreading every second of what it takes to achieve it, or you can actually go for it. Give'r the ol' 1-2 punch. kick its ass so bad you feel you may need a lawyer. procrastination just occupies time and kind of puts a negative light on the entire thing, procrastination is the snooze button effect, you gotta get up, but its so much easier to hit a button and do it later.

when are you going to do it then? why not now? go to bed earlier.


ALSO: if i see you walking around the library without shoes on, i will take that as a sign that you are ok with me dropping a conversion van on your foot.

heres the deal, heres how i feel generally about things.... generally.

what is it about a bean that makes you not even want to be around yourself? where, in that tiny ass granule, is the thing that, when you eat it, your body goes "well apparently i am supposed to try breathing out my ass now, but only in one direction" i like how some people have stepped it up a bit and have decided to light it on fire. which is a really excellent way to wreck pants in a way thats really hard to make up a reason for thats not "i farted and lit my ass on fire in the process" were you.... what were you.... why were you..... did a candle sneak up on you at the wrong time man? "no dude, i was holding an open flame about an inch from my genitals in hopes to blow fire out of my own body"

and heres the thing, it was to impress group full of people at a party. dude your so awesome


alot of times i will be sitting by myself in the library and i realize that if i were blind, the library would be just about the most terrifying place on earth. Theres no sounds at all. at any time there could be someone right next to you and you wouldnt even know it. and i assume that since i have never seen the brail section of raynor its in memorial, which means that in order to just get to the right building you have to navigate a 1 mile obsticle course of nothingness including the bridge, where a sensory overload occurs and you decide you didnt want to read anything that bad anyhow.


every morning on the pilgramage to marquette university engineering i think about how awesome it would be if the sidewalks were frictionless, meaning all you would have to do is push off of something once and then just slide at that speed until you wanted to get off. The things you could get done while standing and sliding to class in the morning! eat your plate of eggs! moon walk! sleep? how awesome would it be if you fell asleep and then woke up seconds before you slid right into lake michigan? or if your buddy drank too much you could litterally kick them up the street in the direction of their house and hope they knew enough to stop before they slid into the ghetto.... what a great image


society, generally, demands a certian level of tolerance of extreem situations that seemingly could be fake but you have to treat them with respect and as if it really is happening. Like say for example you go into a starbucks and attempt to communicate with the cashier using only combinations of eye blinking. i garuntee they will attempt to help you out and see if they try to keep talking to you verbally, or if they are really on their game, see if they blink back. theres alot of situations that are seemingly so run-of-the-mill but every once in a while someone comes along, buys a coffee, and immediatly pours it down their pants upon recieving it, and walks out calm-ly. or buys a cake and a coffee dumps the coffee out, and puts the cake in the cup and leaves. you will wonder all day why they needed the cake in the cup so badly. what if that was just something you needed to do to start your day? you begin to realize just how things that can be normal to someone can be crazy elsewhere, and you are right on that boarder all the time, inches from putting that cake in the cup in such a way you can carry on that day. I wish taht was all i had to do to feel sound in the morning.


the fact that original sin included the need for clothes fascinates me. its the addition of material to life! its the addition of self consciencousness! its the one thing that is standing in the way of us and our own selves and the real people around us, and if we didnt have that to seek and learn, there really wouldnt be much else to do. maybe frictionless sidewalks.


ive been doing alot of thinking about the limits of humanity and the realization of pain and its impact on us generally. the moment of zen type thing where you honestly wonder if anything is limiting you, which you quickly recant on seconds after jumping off the bridge with the inclination that you are invincible. the one thing i do know about pain is the second you show it is the second you have succumed to it, which isnt always such a bad thing.


laying in your bed in the dark with a blank cursor in front of you listening to your "ray lamontagne" pandora channel makes you start to think about things like this for example: for me at least, i feel that alot of time and desire in life is to find someone that sees you deeply inside to who you are, and realizes all the greatnesses that you have, and your strengths and your thoughts and your dreams, and seems to understand you based on all these things. and thats a pretty selfish realization, but dont worry, i am a firm believer in alittle selfish can go a long way in life, not too much, but you cant hate yourself, what a terrible way to live! in order to have someone who can do that for me, there has to be someone out there that has been able to get over their own desires for someone to discover their greatness, and search for yours. therefore there has to be people in the world that are searching to discover other people, and the only way for there to be people like that is to be one myself. and then the song "laid" comes on by james and everything goes out the window as you are now things about beds on fire with passion and love, and essentially, bean-eating friends with lighters.


but in all my writing i begin to realize that there are two ways about looking at a written journal, essentailly, or anything that is written. a good start is to realize that often, for me, writing is a process of figuring things out, and maybe you go back and erase the beginning and just leave the good stuff or meaningfull jargon, but then theres no backround and no way to see the way someone gets to "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" i mean just leaving some statement like that has its ups and downs, but something made you write that, and what i am really interested in is why you did. well i write the things that i do not as fact but more as a stream of thought i was having, and thats all i really can do, right? unedited thoughts are really all i would ever want to ask of anyone.


ps, trocadero got a billboard, this could be awesome, i swear if im on it we are all getting in a car and going out to see it. get pumped.

if i had a daily show of my own, i would part my hair, and every day i would alternate which side the part was on.

I am sitting in my living room not really looking at the tv, but i can hear it, and i am beginning to realize that with the quick change of one word you can completly change the entire point of a sentence. the importance of the direct object of the sentence, and for those of you who were chasing girls around the playground, eventually catching them, and having your first of many experiances of awkward "well what the crap do i do now" problems; dont worry, i was busy sitting in the front row and telling my mom after school how excited i was i could divide any number by one, go ahead, give me a number, i will divide it by one. bam, its the same number, im awesome. I have the definition of the direct object. its the direct object, its directally the object of the sentence, look, its right there. its all over the place up in here. what object? DIRECT! Where you are to direct the object i dont know, i was chasing the girls.

Back to the uninteresting thing i realized while listening to the tv (!) (that means EXCLAIMATION) (which is reffereing to the implied zinger on tv having not one, but many uninteresting things on it) (why am i even writing this). You can significantly alter the meaning of the sentence by changing one word, and depending on how much in the gutter you are, you could change about anything to be a suprisingly sexual and innappropriate thing to say on tv.

screw this, lets talk about something else. "lets" is used loosely,,, you dont have much of a choice. TURTLENECKS! how in gods name (which is God, actually) did they work their way under our suit coats in an acceptable manner? cop-out.

Now, on the other side of things, if you mute your tv, check out the hand motions. dont stop there, today i muted my teacher and just paid attention to his hand motions, and i now understand the mechanics of measurement systems. you have to pay attention to the tiny variations of the same damn hand motions, because while it looks like he is just holding a bowl and throwing the contents of it all over the front row of people, he is truely making a different motion for every word. this gives way to a great analogy for you to use next time you are in a situation requiring you to liken something to a level of awkwardness; "thats about as awkward as hands having nothing to do when you talk"

i am not gonna lie, i wouldnt post this if i knew i wasnt the only one who was going to read it

have a nice tuesday..

bowls are super

i am not sure why we insist on calling these huge deals "bowls" in sports, when in really anything else, a bowl is never much more than somewhat interesting, dirty, hard to stack high, generally underrated, 100% necessary for cereal to even exist.  Cereal does not give bowls enough credit, a bowl is really the workhorse that makes your mornings possible, quick, and tasty.  the next time your cereal isnt really cutting it for you, just think about how the bowl feels, keeping the dissapointing and soggy "chips-n-milk" in one manageable peice.  even in sports, bowling is pretty much the most boring sport there is next to stare contests (which, depending on leinency on rules against physical attacks, can be quite amusing).  we should call it like the superbasejumping or the superfootballgame or just superawesome.  not "superScrapeThatDamnSpoonOnMyFaceAgain ISwearToGod EveryMorningMan?Seriously,EatAPancake"

there are cooler kitchen appliances, at least we could go with something like the superGinsuKnife or the superfork or the superknife.  i agree, i am glad they vetoed the supersaladbowl and the superplate or the superbrokenleg

back when they named them bowl games, how did that sound good? that is like going with can games or cup games.  dish games.   They dont even play for a peice of kitchenware like they do in tennis and golf.  I just realized that even in tennis they have the davis cup.  i dont know how the kitchen worked its way into our greatest achievments.  is there anything in the kitchen that is called a nobel? or are jock heads unable to even think of one word that originated with the event in referance, instead someone looked up from their chicken noodle and said "we will call it the superbowl" and then went over and did 50 pushups in celebration. 

i guess they did try to spice the bowl up with words like "super" and "fiesta" and "orange"... which at first you may not think is on the same level as the first two, but it is the only word in the english language that has no rhyme partner, which is damn awesome, so awesome, it may be on the level of the word "bowl" ...apparently

although using a buzz-kill word like bowl i guess helps with not building the event up too much, i mean with the half time shows and all being awesome, which they actually are when paul mccartney shows up and plays hey jude and the crowd all has signs and they flip them and i litterally start singing from the couch and flipping my own signs over and crying while sreaming "i can die in peace, i can die in peace, this bowl is truely a super one"

whos cooler? superbowl or superman? theres an essay here, but i am zoning out too much to write it or even care.

thats about all i have to say about the word bowl. enjoy your cereal tomorrow morning.