I CRRRUSH you with HAMMER!!! (say it like arnold)

Before crushing things with hammers, a list of a few sure things in a time where "things," in thier literal sense, are generally indecisive about even menial things like "cream or sugar?"

1. if you are ever in a singing contest with a aretha franklin, you are going to lose.

2. you will not need physics 1 for anything, ever, if you dont plan on teaching it to more unsuspecting yet deserving non-science majors


3. the cord (extension, cable, phone, RCA, USB) will be one foot shorter than you need for your current situation. your headphones will be an equal amount too long.

4. your alarm clock goes under-appreciated for its uncanny ability to do exactally what you asked it to do 6 to 8 hours earlier, and its really confused with what you really want in your relationship

5. the person who "didnt get that email" actually did, but was unable to come up with anything better than "oh, i didnt get the email"

6. questions like "whats your favorite song?" require more time than allotted to answer

7. awkward silence makes you uncomfortable, even if you instigated it

8. look away/blink the second the clock turns to 11:11, noone has that kind of patience.

9. bite the orange tic-tac prematurely

10. 2 for 1 subway day is cheaper than 1 for 1 subway day

And now, a reflection of sorts.

Ok, barring the whole matrix philosophy that "we live in our own dream worlds, only to be freed from them into the real world, which is just another dream world in 'Matrix 4: We managed to make the same movie a 4th time, isnt it great? you went and saw it like an idiot!'", martin grammatica is alive and functioning right now. functioning poorly at best, but functioning. So, since we both clearly have nothing better to do than to write/read this blog, lets jump into what could be mr(s). grammatica's current life status. If he lives in the midwest then its 1:11am and he is most likely awake, having hurt himself celebrating actually falling asleep. holy crap dude, you gotta get less excited about stuff. when babies are born they can do like 4 things; breathe, cry alot, poop, and sleep.... so congratulations, babies dont even know they are attached to and in control of their own arms, but they are able to fall asleep.... so your accomplishments, although sincerely impressive, dont even outbid a 3 day old child for "stuff that impresses me"
youre going to have to come up with something more impressive than crying, breathing, or pooping yourself to really begin to turn heads, i know its a stretch, but give it the old kicker effort and spend 90% of practice dropping balls 3 feet and not even kicking them.

jim, why the hatred for martin gramm.... Ill tell you why. Go make an egg, right now, fry it up. We both agree that your ability to fry an egg warrants no real prize or the perverbial "cookie" so many smartasses lovingly offer you after you tell them something good you did, correct? Ok, so successfully fry an egg, put it on the plate, and hurt yourself celebrating. Hurt yourself so bad, that you will never be able to fry an egg at that level again. And another thing, if your going to ask a question with an obvious answer, then you probably should have kept your mouth shut to avoid sounding dumb.

Do NOT push the red button.

So, i was searching to find out if the movie AI (Artificial Inteligence) was reguarded as the worst movie of all time, as i believe it to be. In my combing of all the lists i could find i came across a link to the rasberry awards, which are awards opposite to the oscars aka "worst movie awards."

Artificial Inteligence went unmentioned.... I immediatly disreguard the rasberry awards as a credible information source pertaining to "bad movies"

But, i then came across the Ig Nobel Prize list, which is described as "A parody of the Nobel Prizes, the Ig Nobel Prizes and are given each year in early October — around the time the recipients of the genuine Nobel Prizes are announced — for ten achievements that "first make people laugh, and then make them think." according to the wikipedia listing. So, I read the entire list. Then, because i like you so much, i decided to make an abridged version of my favorite ones so you didnt have to swim through all worthless ones, and i published it as a google document here (which i thought was pretty awesome). So, if you have some free time, read that. Its hilarious. Also, google is awesome.

While we are at talking about sweet lists of humorous yet somewhat disturbing information, i have to include a link to the darwin awards, just because if you dont know about them, you should. I warn you, the darwin awards are alot like laughing at this cartoon;

You kind of have to leave out that rather imminent "tragedy" component of the story. just like when you watch an action movie and they are just running through buildings and the missiles are just missing the main charecter and blowing away like half a city. never really got upset about that, did you? also, i am sick and tired of things blowing up when they shouldnt, have you seen transformers? When is the last time you were a 30-foot robot punching a giant brick wall and it exploded??? I mean all the times i have been a huge alien transformer and punched a wall it has just fallen over. Lucky for hollywood, they always seem to punch the spot where the workers accidently cemented in some C4 that they mistaked for a regular brick. How convienent.

The darwin awards have an "honerable mention" catagory for the weak at heart. Since the first requirement of a darwin award is to "be rendered dead or sterile" they created the honerable mention catagory, for the decisively stupid yet inexplicably lucky few that invited death in to their house, played 37 rounds of russian roulette with automatic weapons, practiced swan dives into their unfilled pool, juggled live grenades, and ran around naked at night in philidelphia slapping everyone they met signifing each person as "my little princess" and somehow managed to come away without a scratch. that is a sweet list oppertunity, here are some more:

Beat chad johnson in a foot race, live shark dentist, fell asleep under car, nascar track crossing guard, blah blah blah cooked self in oven

so yea, this all got pretty morbid pretty quickly, i think its time to just call it a day and try again later. But i leave you with this: Eddie Murphy is the only person to be nominated more than once for "worst actor" in the same movie. In fact, for his role(s) in Norbit, he was the only actor nominated for the catagory of worst actor, recieving a nomination for each of the 5 charecters he played throughout the movie. He then went on to be the only actor to win both worst actor and worst actress for the same movie.

Have a great day

Now with links! EXCITEMENT! HILARITY! MADE UP WORDS!

ok, a question;
if you hit a ball out of the park, it travels around the world, and then lands back in the stadium, is that a home run? because yesterday michael phelps and company beat a world record (world. world. world. thats everyone, ever, in the world, for serious.) by like 5 seconds. bonkers. 5 seconds in swimming is like an entire dog year, your dog got one year older in the time between gold and silver, which is sad, because you like your dog.

thats it, thats all i want to talk about as far as the olympics go.... ok no i want to talk about the announcers for like a second. do you need a more comfortable chair? because your being kind of a bitch. im just saying. we should have announcers for our announcers, to pick out their tiny faults and liken them to world catastrophy (good point ryan). ALSO, i saw an interview where someone tried to make a point that the chineese are too young to be in the olympics and therefore that justifies the americans not winning, BUT heres the big old truth-hammer: you just got beat by a 12-year-old, what kind of self-respect (or lack thereof) do you have to have in order to say that? my cousin and i used to play this game (dont worry, this is relavant) on long car trips that we were in a car race, but any car that passed us was disqualified.... thats very american of you

the craziest thing about the olympics is that every person who makes it there devotes their life to what they are doing, and in like an average of like 20 seconds, that lifetime of work is judged and forgotten nearly instantly, unless you hit a ball so hard it drills a hole in the outfield wall, which would happen if michael phelps was a baseball player

i love the olympics


since i dont know what to talk about next, i would like to point out how awesome the title of my blog is, i cant believe how clever i am. get it? sigh? because i am bored? man, its a good thing noone else reads this besides me 6 times a day...... moving on


and now for another installment of "childhood; im cooler than you"
aka, storytime

setting: social awkwardness was reaching a high point as i was just beginning to sprout my very first leg hairs (little did that guy know he was in for a life of getting mowed down once a week, but perservere he will), i was just beginning to learn about whatever sexual crap you learned about 3 or 4 years ago because i am the oldest child and my closest thing to a sexual education was mrs. nelson who encouraged going on dates with mittens on as to stunt the clothing removal process (her year long lesson plan went something like this: birth control with a crazy transition into the holocost, thats it. I love 8th grade, and mrs nelson)....

story: im sitting at the computer desk (thats the actual setting i guess) of my last house, trying to read something with small font that is laying flat on the desk in front of the keyboard. i am allergic to lysol so my mom cleans the things she dosnt want me touching with it, which generally means she runs around the house spraying it in the air while skipping and laughing (thats a total lie, entirely, all of it aside from the sitting at the desk reading thing.... this story may be insight as to why i have so much trouble sitting down to read, and also why lieing in stories is normally better done by not then telling everone it was a lie)... BUT, alas, theres lysol on the desk where i am placing my face within 5 inches of in order to read the exceedingly small font. (you wouldnt believe how short a story this is, but i dragged it out back and beat it into a 3 paragrapher) So, i am breathing, because thats how you stay alive, and i whiff the lysol that i lied about, wound up for a giant sneeze, and then with great force, sneezed my face squarely into the desk. Then, very suprised, immediatly reacted to my head-butting of the desk and went straight backwards over the chair on to the ground.

laying on my back, wondering what had taken place and why i was on the ground, i couldnt help but wish someone would have seen that in passing, maybe with no sound so it looked like i just slammed my face into the desk and then went over backwards. This "childhood, im cooler than you" moment goes to show that heaven is most likely going to be the ability to watch people function when they think noone else is watching. its gonna be awesome.

as for the rest of your day, i hope you have one.

-jim

ps. i hope you like the addition of the links in here, and also the site wikihow.com because its awesome

Guess the CG Point!!! Michael Phelps for President!!!!

Today i got in on a game called "guess the CG point" with the engineers on the 5th floor. We looked at this drawing and all bid on a CG (center of gravity, common, get smarter) point. If the electrician that was just wondering around on the floor wins i am quitting and becoming a state fair traveling mac-n-cheese on a stick salesmen

ok, so its been a while, i am sorry. I appologize as if you were actually hurt from me not writing, which i must say, is alittle self centered. by the way i know the correct spelling of that word(s) is "a little" but i dont care. heres my latest update;

i was recently moved down the hall to the end office (office, closet, room to fire people in), i am now the only person who does not have a cubicle, and i can now officially say that they keep the co-op students in the closet at the end of the hall, because thats where i am, in the closet, at the end of the hall. i keep everything well organized next to me on the floor and my butt is numb because i went from a $600 ergonomic desk chair to a glorified stool with armrests. im not complaining tho, i do have a window with a beautiful view.... of the parking lot.

common jim, perk up, you have a great job. common, get your head off that tiny desk, stretch your legs out till they hit the computer, lean back until you hit the back wall, and take a big breath (not too big, theres not alot of air in this closet, you should probably start conserving it soon), cause everything is going to be a.o.k.

Enough of that, tar and feather to the next person to bring negativity in here.

Olympics are going on, i think michael phelps watched his celebrations from the 2004 games and really went to work on them in his mirror for this olympics, because yesterday when he flexed all 36 billion of his muscles at once when they won the 4X100 relay he was actually elected president of the united states, just because who wouldnt feel comfortable with that guy as commander in cheif? that is a kind of forign policy everyone can understand.

OH OH, THE RESULTS ARE IN FOR THE CG CONTEST!!!! I came in second to the person who actually is running the contest, which i called shinanigans to (another jim seconded the call for shinanigans, a third jim was silent as to not fall in line with his namesake, he is being demoted to christa effective immediatly). Second isnt too bad. Right french swim team? Ohhhhh no amount of water will save you from a burn like that..... ZING! MICHAEL PHELPS RULES! FRANCE DRULES! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

....ahem... carry on..

so after my near victory, only to be thwarted by events likening themselves to some russian judge a few years ago (cough boooooo cough), i feel good. Its not every day you get to drop some knowledge on your peers like that, and boy did i ever drop the k-bomb today

this is jibberish. i am going to post it and get back to work, some day someone will accidentally read this and think to themselves "how did he know i voted for michael phelps for president?"

cautiously enjoying my job, just a little bit

look left

look right

slowly slink down into rediculously comportable chair until slouched

check again for people

make sure ipod is turned way down

turn on regina spektor....


its an awkward thing, listening to music like that.