dear paper jam,
lets make it official, im going to print a picture of my foot in your printer ass and then when it most deffinatly jams, i will have effectively jammed my foot in your printer ass. maybe i will just print a picture of a strawberry, because then it could be a strawberry paper jam and possibly useful for a sandwich. if i printed a picture of the phish logo i think that would just be redundant, but still another way you can use the word jam. if you [the printer/jerk] can tell exactally where the jam is, and then tell me the steps to take to remove it, why cant you [the printer/peter francis geraci] just do it yourself [the printer/fritz benwallah]? why do you [the printer/im killing this joke] jam? are you [the printer/yep, dead] trying something new? isnt it the same thing over and over again? why are you [asshole] trying something new when the old way works? why are you [!] using reason, your [printer] a printer [printer]?
if i were falling from a plane i would aim for you [i knew a moose once, it bit my sister, its name was Paul Rinter... or P. Rinter for convienence], printer.
love, jim
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
so i am feeding my fake fish on my google homepage, they are very hungry, or at least they must be considering nomatter how much i feed them, it always gets eaten. maybe fish dont have feelings. that would make me feel alot better about fish surgery whenever they eat the hook too much when i am fishing. i just put the hook in the water, noone ever said they had to eat it, totally consensual.
at the china garden we were discussing (on 2 seperate ocasions) the idea of knowing you are going to bite it, and the ensuing actions you would take. for those of you who were not at the china garden (tisk tisk) i guess i would like to pan this out for you, not only because its interesting, but because its surefire hilarious and thats what i like. ok, so you jump out of a plane. you realize soon after leaving the plane, although you did pay to do this, someone failed to realize you were wearing only a camelpak; good for hydration (which you could use after pissing yourself in a second or two from now) poor for general parachuting needs. what you were doing with a camelpak on before driving over to the skydiving grounds, i dont know, but whatever, this story has alot of that ambiguity. Ok so its pretty much deffinatly positive that you are going to live for the next 30 seconds or less, depending on how aerodynamic you are. you have two options; panic until you die, or have a really great last 30 seconds of your life. be honest with ourself here. personally, im losing all my clothes, first things first. it will make it all the more better when someone sees a naked dude falling out of the sky in the jack-knife position holding their nose. i mean think of that. your at a family reunion and doing the group shot, at the exact moment the picture is taken, naked jim stemper doing a cannonball from 20000 feet up gets caught in the backround of the shot. it would be better if i had long hair so it was standing straight up and you could see just how fast i was going. we decided that it may also be adventagous, not for survival, but just out of principal, to aim for a pool. the smaller the pool the better. if you could potentially swan-dive into a kiddie pool you get bonus points. or if you were able to swan dive into a lawn-dart target i think would be wonderfully ironic, as well as an impressive last shot, especially if you were already an accomplished lawn-dart enthusiast whose last shot was a killer. maybe you could give your best friend a high five. maybe oyu have a cell phone and ask him to just put out his hand, and go for it. then again, as long as we are giving you props on your final descent, why not a rocking chair, or just an entire living room, or maybe a drink-umbrella for them to find in your hand when they dig you out of the ground. maybe you could tie yourself to a goose on the way down (heh, particularly my favorite image is finding me tied to a bird, which it seems i tried to use the bird as a parachute that day, premeditated)
although morbid, i feel that this idea of panic and die or have some serious fun and then die is a good thing to think about. maybe not good, but alltogether not a bad thing to laugh about. going out with style is never a bad call. i think it may be a very respectable trait to possess.
today the copier was kinda dead, and it was kinda 100% my fault. so i am standing there knowing full well i ripped a paper jam in half and the other side of the paper is way-way in there (but often interjecting "yea, this thing jams up all the time" or "who would do such a thing?" and "yea i really have a feeling that the paper is stuck somewhere around here, my keen engineering sense is just telling me that, im a really good engineer"), while other 3 engineers have at it with a screw-driver and some really fascinating ideas. i felt really bad, but it got to the point that having not have said something soon enough, i would have been an asshole to have just stood there and watched them struggle and then let them know what happened. good for them, they got it! then theres me: "oh look at that half sheet of paper with my name on it, heh, wow, who would have thought."
without these little things the day would be pretty unexciting.
i need to feed my starving fish, have a nice day.
at the china garden we were discussing (on 2 seperate ocasions) the idea of knowing you are going to bite it, and the ensuing actions you would take. for those of you who were not at the china garden (tisk tisk) i guess i would like to pan this out for you, not only because its interesting, but because its surefire hilarious and thats what i like. ok, so you jump out of a plane. you realize soon after leaving the plane, although you did pay to do this, someone failed to realize you were wearing only a camelpak; good for hydration (which you could use after pissing yourself in a second or two from now) poor for general parachuting needs. what you were doing with a camelpak on before driving over to the skydiving grounds, i dont know, but whatever, this story has alot of that ambiguity. Ok so its pretty much deffinatly positive that you are going to live for the next 30 seconds or less, depending on how aerodynamic you are. you have two options; panic until you die, or have a really great last 30 seconds of your life. be honest with ourself here. personally, im losing all my clothes, first things first. it will make it all the more better when someone sees a naked dude falling out of the sky in the jack-knife position holding their nose. i mean think of that. your at a family reunion and doing the group shot, at the exact moment the picture is taken, naked jim stemper doing a cannonball from 20000 feet up gets caught in the backround of the shot. it would be better if i had long hair so it was standing straight up and you could see just how fast i was going. we decided that it may also be adventagous, not for survival, but just out of principal, to aim for a pool. the smaller the pool the better. if you could potentially swan-dive into a kiddie pool you get bonus points. or if you were able to swan dive into a lawn-dart target i think would be wonderfully ironic, as well as an impressive last shot, especially if you were already an accomplished lawn-dart enthusiast whose last shot was a killer. maybe you could give your best friend a high five. maybe oyu have a cell phone and ask him to just put out his hand, and go for it. then again, as long as we are giving you props on your final descent, why not a rocking chair, or just an entire living room, or maybe a drink-umbrella for them to find in your hand when they dig you out of the ground. maybe you could tie yourself to a goose on the way down (heh, particularly my favorite image is finding me tied to a bird, which it seems i tried to use the bird as a parachute that day, premeditated)
although morbid, i feel that this idea of panic and die or have some serious fun and then die is a good thing to think about. maybe not good, but alltogether not a bad thing to laugh about. going out with style is never a bad call. i think it may be a very respectable trait to possess.
today the copier was kinda dead, and it was kinda 100% my fault. so i am standing there knowing full well i ripped a paper jam in half and the other side of the paper is way-way in there (but often interjecting "yea, this thing jams up all the time" or "who would do such a thing?" and "yea i really have a feeling that the paper is stuck somewhere around here, my keen engineering sense is just telling me that, im a really good engineer"), while other 3 engineers have at it with a screw-driver and some really fascinating ideas. i felt really bad, but it got to the point that having not have said something soon enough, i would have been an asshole to have just stood there and watched them struggle and then let them know what happened. good for them, they got it! then theres me: "oh look at that half sheet of paper with my name on it, heh, wow, who would have thought."
without these little things the day would be pretty unexciting.
i need to feed my starving fish, have a nice day.
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