well, school is of to a start, and as a 5th year student (who feels the need to tell everyone that he really isnt a 5th year student because he did an internship instead for a year, so stop looking at him like he is a slacker/drank too much in college/likes spending 30 g's a year to get clobbered with a balkan hammer) ive been here a long time. Technically i should be standing outside mccormick with my hand out and a sign around my neck that says "I am so much smarter than you, you should probably just give me all your money." but im not, because not even my mom thinks i am that smart, although she does think alot of nice things about me, so if your doubting me talk to her.
Jim's "How too" of the day: How too get cut from the sophomore baseball team without totally sucking in the tryout. (sadly, based on a true story). Thats simple, overthrow the kid trying out for catcher and drill the head coach in the head (heh, head coach, head, i didnt even mean to do that.... faulkner would have). Problem solved, and extra credit for taking someone down with you. well done. you've just created yet another awkward relationship.
Now, there are easier ways to create awkward relationships. heres one way. the next time you are introduced to someone (it has to be someone like your friends new girlfriend, so that she will be around you alot but not because she wants to be around you, just because your friend is there and now she has to hang out with you too), so next time you are introduced to your friend's new girlfriend;
your friend: "hey, betsey, this is my buddy jim"
jim: "hi betsey, i actually go by "the incinerator" because i lit bobby's last 2 girlfriends on fire, which bodes well for you because now he has to date you, but at the same time bodes poorly for you because on average, i will probably light you on fire within the next 2 months."
betsey (trying to be supportive of bobby's friend as to not piss off bobby, gosh betsey seems nice, i really would feel bad if i lit her on fire): "Oh, hah, fun! i love fire! gosh bobby you have great friends"
bobby (pissed): perverbial/quintessential "dude"
the incinerator: "Hah, oh, and when bobby tries to tell you later that i was just being weird and i have never lit any of his other girlfriends on fire, hes lieing. hes just saying that because hes lonely because the last 2 girlfriends he has had have broken up with him because they got lit on fire. but its a good thing you like fire tho, maybe we should date instead."
pause. silence.
the incinerator (to betsey, reaching in his jacket pocket): "you smoke?"
silence. (betsey looks horrified)
the incinerator: "ok guess not. gotta go, nice meeting ya!"
Another pause, more silence. the incinerator leaves, lighting a cigarette and flicking still lit match into a nearby bush, lighting it on fire.
annnnnnd the next time you guys hang out should be awesome. and awkward. you dont want to go out with jim, jims crazy.
have a nice week. smokey the bear says "dont play with fire"
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