Bathroom Politics; Hang Eleven and The S-Face

There are few things i can really say i have for sure learned in college, but for sure one thing i could write a doctoral dissertation on is bathroom politics.

First off, to be political and correct, but not PC because thats a computer, i would like to thank Raynor libraries for the play-by-play "s-face" analysis provided by the gigantic mirrors looking you in the face in the handicapped toilet stalls. You all know you have gone in there, seen that the mirror stall was taken, and gone to another floor to see if you could get that glorious spacious seat, where if someone were to awkwardly bust in there they could see you doing a number of things;

1. "streching" with your shirt off or some reason, something about religious beli...your lieing, your boxers arent even off, your not using the toilet, this is a poor attempt at the "convincing ankles" phenomena, you may not use a toilet for a week in light of your misuse

2. practicing that all important "s-face" to get that perfect message accross to, well hopefully, noone but yourself that "this is a serious s i am taking here"

3. expressing a push with the raise of an eyebrow

Thats enough of that, there is much more to get to.

To all you who religously practice the "sit-n-piss" im on to you. So you come in, theres a guy at the uninal, because of this you most likely will stand next to him in shock as 4 seconds ago you litterally wet yourself alittle but now you have never had to take a piss less. Ok, damage control, how far is this guy into his piss? if he looks to be on to the shake you have a good chance he will flush the toilet and your golden, as he will not hear your "not pissing" and you can stand there doing nothing but holding yourself while you "go to the bathroom" throughout the duration of the flush cycle, conviently finished right at the end, throw in the shake, and go piss yourself at the bubbler. If this guy seems to be in for the long haul you have a few options;

1. make a quick comment about how "you hate it when you forget you came to do number 2" and then go to the stall and regret what you said nearly to the point of giving yourself a swirly

2. wait it out, your a quiet urinater, he wouldnt even believe

3. make some kind of noise with your mouth, or attempt to pass gas loudly but without actually needing the stall, as it will take the attention off your failure in front due to a huge success in back

4. hit play on the pre-recorded urination from the week before at the same urinal that you carry around for situations just like this one, seemlessly extended in case you really really needed to take a long recorded piss

5. run out, he never saw your face

6. punch him out cold

In light of these dismal options, you have taken up the sit-n-piss. a brilliantly choreographed masterpiece put on by a few key noises, your ankles, and the amount of time you can sit with your pants off. NOW, its 100% essential that you outlast your opponent already well into his manly stand-n-piss, this includes his hand washing, which you will mostl likely criticize mentally to great detail, because you have been done with what you came to do for a good minute now. If he leaves, no need to waste paper, just hit the flush, wash the hands, your on your way. If someone else enters now the show begins. The periodic heavy breath, small feet shuffle, all leading up to the biggest falsity of them all; taking the toilet paper out of the dispencer, making a wipe noise, and repeating until you feel youve amply cleaned up after doing nothing.

To you, the sit-n-piss, you are a man of few ambitions, and even less stage presence

On to stance. 2 handed raises concearn while no handed (to "hang eleven") has never been more awkward. If you feel the need to switch hands, i will never understand you, you have me fooled.

Onward to old dudes. There is no way in this world you let all that noise out without alittle helper. I mean i have been sitting there minding my own buisness (which is where that term came from) when out of nowhere, after 5 minutes of silence, comes a noise so fierce i am suprised i stay dry. 5 minutes?! what in the hell else were you doing? did you not know you were in the bathroom? did you not make the decision to go based on the fact that it was on its way and you better do something about it? is there a society of men i am not a part of that have it out for me because of my knowledge of this matter, and they feel the need to stump? whatever that was, i commend you, excuse us while we replace the hinges on the stall door.

its bedtime, there is more to come young learners, but i leave you with this

yea, i left the seat down for you, in fact i left it down for me, nothing 3 or 4 sheets of TP and a lap around the seat couldnt fix

enjoy your evening