ye ole smelly sock

well, school is of to a start, and as a 5th year student (who feels the need to tell everyone that he really isnt a 5th year student because he did an internship instead for a year, so stop looking at him like he is a slacker/drank too much in college/likes spending 30 g's a year to get clobbered with a balkan hammer) ive been here a long time. Technically i should be standing outside mccormick with my hand out and a sign around my neck that says "I am so much smarter than you, you should probably just give me all your money." but im not, because not even my mom thinks i am that smart, although she does think alot of nice things about me, so if your doubting me talk to her. 

Jim's "How too" of the day: How too get cut from the sophomore baseball team without totally sucking in the tryout. (sadly, based on a true story). Thats simple,  overthrow the kid trying out for catcher and drill the head coach in the head (heh, head coach, head, i didnt even mean to do that.... faulkner would have).  Problem solved, and extra credit for taking someone down with you. well done. you've just created yet another awkward relationship.

Now, there are easier ways to create awkward relationships.  heres one way. the next time you are introduced to someone (it has to be someone like your friends new girlfriend, so that she will be around you alot but not because she wants to be around you, just because your friend is there and now she has to hang out with you too), so next time you are introduced to your friend's new girlfriend;

your friend: "hey, betsey, this is my buddy jim"

jim: "hi betsey, i actually go by "the incinerator" because i lit bobby's last 2 girlfriends on fire, which bodes well for you because now he has to date you, but at the same time bodes poorly for you because on average, i will probably light you on fire within the next 2 months."

betsey (trying to be supportive of bobby's friend as to not piss off bobby, gosh betsey seems nice, i really would feel bad if i lit her on fire): "Oh, hah, fun! i love fire! gosh bobby you have great friends"

bobby (pissed): perverbial/quintessential "dude"

the incinerator: "Hah, oh, and when bobby tries to tell you later that i was just being weird and i have never lit any of his other girlfriends on fire, hes lieing.  hes just saying that because hes lonely because the last 2 girlfriends he has had have broken up with him because they got lit on fire.  but its a good thing you like fire tho, maybe we should date instead."

pause. silence.

the incinerator (to betsey, reaching in his jacket pocket): "you smoke?"

silence. (betsey looks horrified)

the incinerator: "ok guess not.  gotta go, nice meeting ya!"

Another pause, more silence. the incinerator leaves, lighting a cigarette and flicking still lit match into a nearby bush, lighting it on fire.

annnnnnd the next time you guys hang out should be awesome. and awkward.  you dont want to go out with jim, jims crazy.

have a nice week. smokey the bear says "dont play with fire"

I CRRRUSH you with HAMMER!!! (say it like arnold)

Before crushing things with hammers, a list of a few sure things in a time where "things," in thier literal sense, are generally indecisive about even menial things like "cream or sugar?"

1. if you are ever in a singing contest with a aretha franklin, you are going to lose.

2. you will not need physics 1 for anything, ever, if you dont plan on teaching it to more unsuspecting yet deserving non-science majors


3. the cord (extension, cable, phone, RCA, USB) will be one foot shorter than you need for your current situation. your headphones will be an equal amount too long.

4. your alarm clock goes under-appreciated for its uncanny ability to do exactally what you asked it to do 6 to 8 hours earlier, and its really confused with what you really want in your relationship

5. the person who "didnt get that email" actually did, but was unable to come up with anything better than "oh, i didnt get the email"

6. questions like "whats your favorite song?" require more time than allotted to answer

7. awkward silence makes you uncomfortable, even if you instigated it

8. look away/blink the second the clock turns to 11:11, noone has that kind of patience.

9. bite the orange tic-tac prematurely

10. 2 for 1 subway day is cheaper than 1 for 1 subway day

And now, a reflection of sorts.

Ok, barring the whole matrix philosophy that "we live in our own dream worlds, only to be freed from them into the real world, which is just another dream world in 'Matrix 4: We managed to make the same movie a 4th time, isnt it great? you went and saw it like an idiot!'", martin grammatica is alive and functioning right now. functioning poorly at best, but functioning. So, since we both clearly have nothing better to do than to write/read this blog, lets jump into what could be mr(s). grammatica's current life status. If he lives in the midwest then its 1:11am and he is most likely awake, having hurt himself celebrating actually falling asleep. holy crap dude, you gotta get less excited about stuff. when babies are born they can do like 4 things; breathe, cry alot, poop, and sleep.... so congratulations, babies dont even know they are attached to and in control of their own arms, but they are able to fall asleep.... so your accomplishments, although sincerely impressive, dont even outbid a 3 day old child for "stuff that impresses me"
youre going to have to come up with something more impressive than crying, breathing, or pooping yourself to really begin to turn heads, i know its a stretch, but give it the old kicker effort and spend 90% of practice dropping balls 3 feet and not even kicking them.

jim, why the hatred for martin gramm.... Ill tell you why. Go make an egg, right now, fry it up. We both agree that your ability to fry an egg warrants no real prize or the perverbial "cookie" so many smartasses lovingly offer you after you tell them something good you did, correct? Ok, so successfully fry an egg, put it on the plate, and hurt yourself celebrating. Hurt yourself so bad, that you will never be able to fry an egg at that level again. And another thing, if your going to ask a question with an obvious answer, then you probably should have kept your mouth shut to avoid sounding dumb.

Do NOT push the red button.

So, i was searching to find out if the movie AI (Artificial Inteligence) was reguarded as the worst movie of all time, as i believe it to be. In my combing of all the lists i could find i came across a link to the rasberry awards, which are awards opposite to the oscars aka "worst movie awards."

Artificial Inteligence went unmentioned.... I immediatly disreguard the rasberry awards as a credible information source pertaining to "bad movies"

But, i then came across the Ig Nobel Prize list, which is described as "A parody of the Nobel Prizes, the Ig Nobel Prizes and are given each year in early October — around the time the recipients of the genuine Nobel Prizes are announced — for ten achievements that "first make people laugh, and then make them think." according to the wikipedia listing. So, I read the entire list. Then, because i like you so much, i decided to make an abridged version of my favorite ones so you didnt have to swim through all worthless ones, and i published it as a google document here (which i thought was pretty awesome). So, if you have some free time, read that. Its hilarious. Also, google is awesome.

While we are at talking about sweet lists of humorous yet somewhat disturbing information, i have to include a link to the darwin awards, just because if you dont know about them, you should. I warn you, the darwin awards are alot like laughing at this cartoon;

You kind of have to leave out that rather imminent "tragedy" component of the story. just like when you watch an action movie and they are just running through buildings and the missiles are just missing the main charecter and blowing away like half a city. never really got upset about that, did you? also, i am sick and tired of things blowing up when they shouldnt, have you seen transformers? When is the last time you were a 30-foot robot punching a giant brick wall and it exploded??? I mean all the times i have been a huge alien transformer and punched a wall it has just fallen over. Lucky for hollywood, they always seem to punch the spot where the workers accidently cemented in some C4 that they mistaked for a regular brick. How convienent.

The darwin awards have an "honerable mention" catagory for the weak at heart. Since the first requirement of a darwin award is to "be rendered dead or sterile" they created the honerable mention catagory, for the decisively stupid yet inexplicably lucky few that invited death in to their house, played 37 rounds of russian roulette with automatic weapons, practiced swan dives into their unfilled pool, juggled live grenades, and ran around naked at night in philidelphia slapping everyone they met signifing each person as "my little princess" and somehow managed to come away without a scratch. that is a sweet list oppertunity, here are some more:

Beat chad johnson in a foot race, live shark dentist, fell asleep under car, nascar track crossing guard, blah blah blah cooked self in oven

so yea, this all got pretty morbid pretty quickly, i think its time to just call it a day and try again later. But i leave you with this: Eddie Murphy is the only person to be nominated more than once for "worst actor" in the same movie. In fact, for his role(s) in Norbit, he was the only actor nominated for the catagory of worst actor, recieving a nomination for each of the 5 charecters he played throughout the movie. He then went on to be the only actor to win both worst actor and worst actress for the same movie.

Have a great day